Squeezy Marmite

An unwholesome addition made it into the food cupboards recently: a container of squeezy Marmite. I’ve got nothing against Marmite myself: the whole family likes Marmite, and it’s one of the finest toppings to a lightly browned slice of buttered wholemeal. But squeezy Marmite is the work of the devil.

For a start, the stuff’s uncontrollable. It’s too runny and soaks into toast before you get a chance to spread it thinly, which means you get gooey Marmite explosions in the mouth. I like my Marmite thinly and evenly spread, and squeezy Marmite doesn’t play ball.

But the worst thing is the sphincter that delivers the Marmite. It bears an unfortunate resemblance to a cat’s backside, and in use I can’t help but imagine a cat with squits.

With the options of runny, uncontrollable but uncontaminated Marmite, or a conventional jar that inevitably gains butter deposits and toast crumbs when used by children, I’d favour the one that doesn’t make me think of sick cats.


One thought on “Squeezy Marmite”

  1. It is time to buy yourself a traditional jar and either hide it in shed/garage/office (or possibly one in each, with spare solar/wind powered toasting device) or disguise it as something the family do not like.

    Did you know that Marmite was created as a by-product of brewing beer?
    Also, prisoners have been known to use it as a brewing agent to create a hooch dubbed Marmite Moonshine.

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