Squeezy Marmite

An unwholesome addition made it into the food cupboards recently: a container of squeezy Marmite. I’ve got nothing against Marmite myself: the whole family likes Marmite, and it’s one of the finest toppings to a lightly browned slice of buttered wholemeal. But squeezy Marmite is the work of the devil.

For a start, the stuff’s uncontrollable. It’s too runny and soaks into toast before you get a chance to spread it thinly, which means you get gooey Marmite explosions in the mouth. I like my Marmite thinly and evenly spread, and squeezy Marmite doesn’t play ball.

But the worst thing is the sphincter that delivers the Marmite. It bears an unfortunate resemblance to a cat’s backside, and in use I can’t help but imagine a cat with squits.

With the options of runny, uncontrollable but uncontaminated Marmite, or a conventional jar that inevitably gains butter deposits and toast crumbs when used by children, I’d favour the one that doesn’t make me think of sick cats.


1 thought on “Squeezy Marmite”

  1. It is time to buy yourself a traditional jar and either hide it in shed/garage/office (or possibly one in each, with spare solar/wind powered toasting device) or disguise it as something the family do not like.

    Did you know that Marmite was created as a by-product of brewing beer?
    Also, prisoners have been known to use it as a brewing agent to create a hooch dubbed Marmite Moonshine.

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